Am I a failure?

Growing up I always thought I wanted to be a teacher and a mom. As long as I can remember those were my "dreams." Then when I started attending CCG in middle school and meeting so many families such as the Allens I learned that I could be "just a Mom." I had no idea a woman could work at home caring for her family. So that then became my dream. I would go to college to be a teacher (which turned into children's ministry) and be a stay at home mom! Well I did that. Here I am 3 kids later wondering what I was thinking. After the first 2 I still felt like I was handling it well but after Caleb entered the world I realized it was gonna be so much harder. Im sure it is bc they are SO close in age but I cant change that so here I stood...3 AWESOME kids 3 and under! In the beginning I was completely overwhelmed by a newborn, potty training barely 2 yr old, and a very jealous tantrum throwing 3 year old. It was hard!!! I never thought I would get through it. I would say Im through it but really Im not. It's just different challenges with the same AWESOME 3 kids! After 8-10 weeks though it all seemed more normal and a way of life. I would go through spurts of confidence and then spurts of feeling completely overwhelmed. What causes those sudden feelings of being overwhelmed...demands/responsibilites adding up. Ive always wanted to be the Mom who took care of all the housework, laundry, cooking, taking care of the kids, homeschooling, and whatever else came natural for me. That is exactly what I do just add on that the bill paying, money keeping and accounting for the business. Then upon marrying Scott who had a great Mother who did everything for her kids I felt like I had to do the same for Scott. Well several times these last 8 months Ive hit a bottom and have gone to Scott frustrated and out of gas asking for help but not a clue how he could help. This last week I hit another one of those points and was determined that I couldnt do it again to me or my family. I become so cranky and withdrawn until one night Im in tears. This last time I realized I feel like a failure. I have so much on my plate but I cannot handle it but as a mom I feel like I should be able to. It is not like Scott isnt willing to help I just never asked. I never felt like these were his responsibilities so never asked. If I ever asked Scott to do any type of cleaning he would without a bit of complaining bc that was another great thing about his mother...she taught her boys how to help around the house. Plus he is naturally a helper. So am I failure? I feel like it but Scott says Im not and I know God says Im not. There is only so much time in a day and taking care of my AWESOME kids is number one on my list and just playing with them so the rest gets pushed back until I become overwhelmed. I guess in that aspect Im not a failure bc I do have my priorites straight however I am a failure at being humble and asking for help. I have promised Scott that when I am behind on housework I will tell him so that he can help bc he doesnt have a clue what needs to be done when but does know how to do it. I just thought Scott should offer so as not to sound like a nag but he actually prefers to be asked so that is what Ive committed too so that in 2 months we dont go through all of this again. I LOVE my husband and 3 little kids more than anything in the world and am so amazingly blessed for some unknown reason and want to do my best at being a Mom so that Ryan, Bekah, and Caleb all grow up to love and serve Jesus Christ with their whole hearts in order to honor HIM!! I want Scott and I to model a Christian marriage so that one day each of them will be so truly blessed as well by our Great Lord and Savior!!!

Unlimited Home Construction

Sometimes having your own business can be great and sometimes hard. The greats...Scott being able to put work aside when he wants to if we need him at home, Scott doesnt have to answer to anyone but ME (haha), Scott can make his own schedule, he can come home for lunch on most days, he can be home for dinner on time most nights, and we can usually make better money. The hards...sometimes people dont pay until way after we have already paid for their supplies with our own personal money we needed to pay our own bills, seems like Scott either has too many jobs coming in at once or not enough, very unpredictable, PAPERWORK, wife as your boss, and stress of running a business and supporting a family at the same time.
Scott had a really good solid year from May of last year until May of this year. He even kept busy through winter thanks to a very nice basement remodel. Summertime is usually our prosperous time of year and we save up for winter however we havent had much in 5-6 weeks. Plus someone owes us quite a bit of money. That hurts! We have money set aside for these events but even still it can cause quite a bit of stress. We know they are good for their word but when business is not coming in at the same time it is hard to believe we will be alright. It is human nature to start thinking if it is slow now what will winter hold? The cost of supplies have doubled and some have tripled which could be a major culprit. Because of the recession many manufacturers were put out of business so now the 1 or 2 left have jacked up their prices thus causing Scott's estimates to be higher than some want to or can afford to spend. I dont blame them!! We figured if we wouldve waited to add on to our house until this spring it would have cost us 3 times as much as it did!!! That is ridiculous but also a part of life. You think when a recession is ending is good and whew we made it through but really it is just beginning for us I think. During the recession everyone wanted to add on and remodel bc they couldnt sell and cost of goods were at an all time low. Now people realize they can move to a new house again without loosing too much on their current home and so are doing. Not like they were but it is beginning to pick up again. Because of these slow times for Scott he has decided to change his name. He has wanted to for quite sometime because his previous name made it sound like he only did repair work and not the big jobs like room additons and remodels which he prefers! He will still do repair work but hopes to get more big jobs. Scott's dream is to someday build a custom home. I pray that God honors his hard work and grants this desire. Scott is so good at what he does and really does enjoy it! Not many people can say they honestly love what they do but Scott can and that alone is a gift from God! God is good and I know he will provide for our family in some way and at the right time. Scott is working hard on tyring to advertise his new business name and hopefully that will bring in some extra work! God has never let us down!

On the move!

Mr Magoo (Daddy's nickname for his little buddy) is on the move now!!! This is the day Ive been dreading since he was born. I knew once mobility came my life would be even crazier keeping up with 3 under 4! I will admit is is really cute watching him explore the house for the first time. He thinks everything is so fascinating. But with 2 older siblings it is hard to constantly watch to make sure they keep all the tiny pieces off of the floor. The girls are learning and soon we will be through yet another phase of life. He is also experience a whole lot of new teeth. He has 4 coming through the top all at once and for the most part is not happy about it at all in the night. I feel for him though. It cannot feel too good. He has started taking to a paci which has helped a lot with his sleeping issues. It must soothe his little gums. He was a thumb sucker up until these teeth started coming in. Although it was super cute a paci is much easier to take away than a thumb. Mr Magoo started on some whole milk which turned into diarrhea so is now on goats milk. So far no issues and he loves it! He takes it right from a sippy cup! Ive never had one like a sippy cup before their first bday. Even Bekah who wouldnt take a bottle either. Im so glad though that he likes it already. Should make weaning down the road a little easier. He is also taking to table food quite well. He still likes the baby food fruit but otherwise he eats what we are eating within limits. I cant believe he is already 8 1/2 months old. Time is going too quickly! Should be a fun summer with a newly active baby!